From Scratch

Good Monday morning! If you celebrated Easter yesterday, chances are you’ve got leftovers and are looking at a few days of sandwiches or veggies that just get limper when reheated in the nuker. If you’ve been celebrating Passover, you might just have some boxes of matzo left and are looking at them with one eye on the trash can by now.

Someone sent me this last year and if I knew who wrote it, I’d certainly give credit. You don’t have to be Jewish to relate to it. If you’ve ever tried to give a cat a pill, substitute “pill” for “matzo” and enjoy. And if you’ve never owned a cat been owned by a cat, you might get a laugh anyway.

Here’s an idea what to do with all that matzo left over from Passover:

The following is based on five premises:

1. You will always have matzo left over after Pesach.
2. You won’t want to eat any more of it by then and you won’t be able to bring yourself to throw it out.
3. Having eaten 12-month-old matzo back in 1981, you know better than to save it for next year.
4. It’s already in, or can be broken into small pieces.
5. You have a cat.

How To Feed Your Cat Matzo:

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop matzo into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and matzo from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke matzo into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new matzo from box. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the matzo in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave matzo in your hair.
7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and matzo. Assuming position #1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take matzo and… Oooops!
9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. But it’s a sin to waste food! And your cat deserves to know what it tastes like now!
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and matzo from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop matzo into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Resume steps 1-18 at each feeding time until the matzo is gone or until:

(a) someone gives you a Jewish ant farm.
(b) you hear a hungry mockingbird chirping “Hava Nagila.”
(c) your pet chihuahua says “Yo te quiero taco matzo.”

Tags: humor