All-inclusive Top Chef drinking game

Where’s a fun Top Chef drinking game when you need one? Right here. Even when Top Chef makes me crazy, which is often, I watch it. (Exception: Season 2, which ought to be deep-sixed.) But the show has become too formulaic and predictable, with product placements everywhere, dumb editing and well duh moments such as — the editors always cut to a contestant parroting what Padma says about the guest judge in the Quickfire:

Padma : Chef John Doe is known to everyone in the universe for his restaurants and cookbooks. And stuff.
Contestant: Everybody knows who Chef John Doe is. He has restaurants and cookbooks!

It’s enough to drive this foodie to drink.

So with the Season 4 finale coming up, I created this for my own amusement — I’m easily amused — and perhaps you’d like to play too. But be careful, even with water. It’s a potential sloshery at Judges’ Table.

Ella’s All-Inclusive Top Chef Drinking Game

The Intro

Gimme – contestants already miss whoever went home the previous week, which was really last night.
1 sip – contestant says, “I’m here to win” or “I’m not here to make friends.”
Bonus sip for saying both.
1 sip – if you can already tell who’s going home this time, thanks to heavy-handed editing.

The Quickfire

Gimme – contestant repeats what Padma just said about the guest judge.
Bonus sip – contestant also says the guest judge’s restaurant is a favorite.
1 sip – a contestant who just said s/he should ace the challenge ends up in the bottom.
2 sips – the person we just watched win tells us, “I won.” Just in case we dozed off for three seconds.

Shopping

1 sip – we see a contestant wander around, clearly without a single idea, as we hear a helpful voice-over of the contestant saying, “I wandered around. I didn’t know what to buy.”
1 sip – teammate contestants fight over what ingredients to buy.
Chug It – contestant fights with a store employee for an ingredient. (Holy Grail: Harold and the salmon, Season 1)

In the Kitchen

1 sip – two contestants fight about something.
Bonus sip – one of the fighting contestants then tells us what an a-hole the other one is.
1 sip – blatant product placement of the Glad Family of Products.
2 sips – contestant says a competitor is making something sucky and will pay for it.
2 sips – sucky dish goes on to win.
2 sips – contestant mispronounces what s/he is making. (Holy Grail: everybody who said “Bellini” for “blini”, Season 4)
3 sips – During his walkthrough, Tom raises his eyebrows when contestant explains what s/he is making. Never a good sign.

Elimination Challenge

Gimme – Padma’s working her boobage, even if inappropriate.
1 sip – in a catering challenge, contestant says they went to the site in the (insert name of specific vehicle of sponsor).
Bonus sip – we see a close-up of the vehicle’s logo.
2 sips – contestant forgets to include part of a dish.
3 sips – contestant says there’s no room for error anymore. We never find out when there was.
Chug It – entire challenge exists only to promote a sponsor’s product. (Holy Grail: Rocco and the frozen food, Season 3)

Judges’ Table

Gimme – Padma, all serious like she’s faking them out, calls for the top group first.
Bonus sip – she does so in a whispery monotone that sounds like a 99-year-old on her deathbed.
1 sip – when the judges decide who in the losing group is getting knifed, Padma says in her normal voice, which will never succeed on radio, “Let’s get them back out here.” She seems to relish the impending doom, doesn’t she?
1 sip – Gail compliments someone’s dish as “refreshing.”
1 sip – Gail out-boobages Padma. You go, girl(s)!
1 sip – Tom dings someone for not using salt and pepper.
1 sip – Tom dings someone for using too much salt and pepper.
1 sip – Tom says if you’re going to cook simple stuff, it better be perfect.
1 sip – Ted talks more than Tom.
2 sips – Ted talks more than the guest judge.
2 sips – Gail calls someone’s food “inedible.”
Bonus sip if she makes a face while saying it. (Holy Grail: Stephen, Season 1)
2 sips – contestant accuses another of throwing him/her under the bus.
Bonus sip – contestant actually says, ” over the bus.” It did happen. Season 3.
2 sips – contestant says s/he doesn’t want to go home. No, really?
3 sips – Ted has talked so much you’re doing a blah-blah with your hand.
3 sips – Guest judge is stuck with foisting off product-placement prize on the winner.
3 sips – Padma gets all choked up when she says in her deathbed voice, “Please pack your knives and go.” Usually to a tall guy. (Holy Grail: CJ, Season 3)
3 sips – Judges’ decision brings to mind one word: WTF?
Chug It – Tom says this is not Top (whatever else). (Holy Grail: Top Sommelier, Season 1.)

Pack Your Knives and Go

Gimme: knifee says either s/he will keep cooking or we haven’t heard the last of him or her.
Bonus sip for saying both.
1 sip – other contestants are all “awww” over knifee being knifed, even if they hate his or her guts.
1 sip – knifee says s/he made friends for a lifetime.
Bonus sip if this is the first knifee and has known the others for only 36 hours or so.

Exclusive for Season 4 Finale

Gimme – Stephanie does her deer-in-the-headlights face at Judges’ Table.
Gimme – Lisa does her bitch face at any time.
Gimme – Richard does his doofus face while saying something stupid he thinks is cute.
1 sip – Stephanie’s little-girl voice makes you grit your teeth.
1 sip – Lisa’s butch new ‘do already looks greasy.
1 sip – Richard looks more feminine than Lisa.
Chug It – Lisa wins. Throw empty glass or bottle at TV, vow never to watch Top Chef again. Try to mean it.

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Tagged as: humor, reality tv