From Scratch

Finally it’s down to what the last three contestants call the meal of their lives, the challenge that will determine who wins Top Chef, Season 4.

We’re still in Puerto Rico and Richard says he has everything to lose, with a wife, a baby on the way (born a few weeks ago, darling!) and a new house, as if neither Stephanie nor Lisa has rent or a mortgage or other monthly bills. Stephanie reminds us, in case someone in Burkina Faso hasn’t heard yet, that no woman has ever won.

The chefs meet up with Padma and three sous chefs who, like last season, are famous: Dan Barber, the chef owner of Blue Hill, April Bloomfield, chef and co-owner with Mario Batali and others of The Spotted Pig and culinary demigod Eric Ripert, Le Bernadin.

In true Top Chef fashion, the contestants repeat what Padma just said about the guests.

Each sous chef stands behind an assortment of proteins ranging from sublime to icky and the chef contestants each get to choose one. Richard and Stephanie both have four elimination challenge wins, so Padma asks who will pull a knife first to determine who picks first. Richard lets Stephanie go first and she pulls number one.

Nobody’s fool, she chooses Ripert. Frankly, for the chance to work with Ripert for even one hour, I would choose a protein plate that includes anything, up to and including crushed bugs and squirrel tongues. Luckily, Ripert’s plate has lamb and other good stuff. Richard chooses Barber, leaving Lisa with Bloomfield. “I get to work with a woman,” our butchtestant says. “That’s awesome. Girl power.” Flirt.

All busy in the product-placement kitchen. Part of their challenge is to make a dessert, which Lisa earlier said was something she vowed not to do. Now she tells us she doesn’t like cake (who cares?) and that she’ll have to do something different, desert-wise, making me wonder if that means no dessert at all, sort of the way she refused to use Polish sausage in the Improv challenge.

Stephanie, in perhaps the understatement of the year, points out that Ripert knows what he’s doing, but she still wants to guide him in a basic technique. Not cool. He soon abandons his station, though, to watch Richard do some molecular gastronomy, making Tabasco ice cream as a garnish. Ripert has never seen it before and says we should never stop learning. Agreed.

Lisa’s calm — even Tom notices on his walkthrough — and she explains, “If you’re happy, your food is going to taste better,” which might explain why she was on the chopping block for almost half the season. Nobody will ever cast her in Little Mary Sunshine.

The next day, with four hours left until service, Chef Tom throws them a curve ball: their sous chefs will not be in. They have to sink or swim on their own. They’re all fine with that. What are they going to do, whine? Well, Lisa might but doesn’t.

But Lisa, suddenly the expert on everything and everyone, tells us Stephanie’s weakness is doubting herself and that she, Lisa, is confident and her dishes reflect that. 

With his usual humility, Richard says he’s the best chef there, the only one who’s an artist and a craftsman. Apparently an artist with no imagination, because he’s doing his damn banana scallops for the third time. And Stephanie, too disingenuous by half, says it’s not about the $100,000, she just wants the title. Right.

So they each cook four courses and serve the food and then go before the Judges’ Table but first, at 10:39PM, we see, at least on my cable company, the epitome of chutzpah with a commercial for the Food Network’s Next FN Star. I mean, really. Yes, Ted Allen just signed a contract with FN, but that took some nerve.

Anyway. Our judges are Gail, Tom, and Ted and of course Padma’s there, but I’ve never known if, as host, she gets to vote. Right out of the gate Tom dings Richard for not using enough salt and pepper. Ted compliments Lisa on her square potato chips. “Very beautiful,” he says, reminding us which Bravo show gave him his start. Somehow Padma works in the term “clam chowder.” Lisa gets further kudos for wonderfully-seasoned soup.

Tom tells Stephanie her leeks weren’t cooked. Deer in the headlights. “They were cooked,” she said. “They were crunchy,” he said and she looks like a deer on the hood of the car.

More praise for Lisa –will it never end? — for her dessert, which used black rice and wine and actually looks very tasty. Stephanie’s cake was okay but the banana cream lacked flavor and Richard explains that his banana scallops, which the judges know they’ve seen before, and bacon ice cream (!) were inspired by his daily breakfast.

In a chance to say a few final words, Richard admits he choked and overthought things and said, “I’m at my best when I’m not thinking.” Exact words. I double-checked.

The judges deliberate, finding a lot to like about Lisa’s and Stephanie’s first courses. Lisa’s second course is Gail’s favorite dish. Kudos to Stephanie for the meat course, using pistachios, olives and lamb in a way that tasted better than it sounded. No praise for her dessert, which Gail honestly and truly said, “sucked.”

When all is said and done, Tom says the deciding factor is which meal would they like to have again. Despite her sucky dessert, Stephanie becomes the first woman to win Top Chef.

Immediately, she tells us, “I won, holy shit.”

Lisa says the journey’s been awesome and cooking is what she wants to do and what she’s going to do. Thank you, Lisa, now go away.

Richard, you might recall, was downright bitchy last week when Lisa wanted congrats for making the final cut. He told us, but not her to her face, “You won the fucking bronze medal. Congratulations. There you go.” Now, with the medal around his neck, he’s on the verge of tears and says losing sucks. (They love that word on this show.) Richard, here’s a new mantra for you: Oy, my aching karma!

The last word goes to Stephanie who tells us cooking is what she’s meant to do in life. Congratulations!

The reunion’s next week, Stephanie is sure to be fan favorite and we’ll all find out if the contestants hated Lisa as much as we did.

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