Can anyone make us feel more inadequate, especially during the holidays? Sometimes I think Martha is the original Superwoman, but of course she’s not perfect *cough* thatstockmessthatlandedherintheslammer *cough*, she just seems to be. Even so, America has poked good-natured fun at her for a long time, so long that you might have seen this more than a decade ago. That’s when it was sent to me, with Windows 98 mentioned. I’ve updated that but otherwise, this is just as it was then — and just as enjoyable. December 20 has always been my favorite, especially now that I live somewhere that I sometimes see animals in pastures. And then I giggle.
December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spraypaint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 – Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 – Using candle wick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 – Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 – Debug Windows 7.
December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
December 11 – Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 – Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 – Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 – Replace air in Suburban tires with Glade “holiday scent” in case tires get shot out at the mall.
December 17 – Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in granulated sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 – Do annual good deed. Go to several stores and be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 – Organize spice rack by genus and phylum.
December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Nice post!
Happy Holidays to you Ella! I wish you joyful times and the best.
J
Ah hahahahaha! “- Lay Faberge egg.”
“From which we hatch our beglittered chickens. Thusly.” *snort*
a aaaaaaand, did you catch Chef (?) Martha’s visit to the Top Chef Kitchen? :/
Merry Christmas!
Thanks Juan! – Back at you, my friend. Bring on ‘09.
Hi, sage! – It’s a hoot, isn’t it? Plumbing in the gingerbread house is another good one.
I missed her on TC. I haven’t watched since Ep 2, but last week I caught the last several minutes and couldn’t figure out who was gone — I didn’t know them well enough to miss them — and was surprised by who was still there. Then when Chef didn’t eliminate anyone AND with no ep last night I said, well here we go again. Another season that will last longer than some marriages.
Merry Christmas!